Friday, February 28, 2014

Day 381: Prey to the Food God

This is a follow up to my Unhealthy Food relationship posts.

Binge Eating Disorder - Making My BED to Lie in It

Italians: Living to eat or Eating to Live

Considering another dimension of food together with my self commitment.

I found that there is for some reason an hidden dimension to Food and how we relate to it. Fat people will say they eat normally but keep putting on weight when in fact they overeat in secret, skinny people say it is their constitution and they do nothing special to keep in shape, when most either starve themselves or purge or overexercise to keep fit.
How do I know? because I have been all of these people.
The main point that goes with this dimension of food is secrecy due to shame.

because we cannot explain how we created a specific dimension to almost anything in our life due to our extensive living automatically vs living in and as awareness, it's not surprising that when we wonder -mainly briefly - how we got to a certain point we can almost honestly say that we don't know.
This is because we never considered our thought relative to everything we live as something to keep into account, thoughts, beliefs and ideas we have regarding any point in our life seem to be part of who we are, who we are in fact, we believe those forces to be just like 'market forces', compelling us into behaviors we no longer like or consider self supporting, we believed that they would self regulate (oh look, it's the same logic of our economic system, the belief that even though no one is responsible or accountable, the market will magically realign to something supportive from something abusive).

But the more we live the more we accumulate, until those Forces -force us and to dismantle the energy that is connected to them we have to stand at one point and will ourselves to change.

To no longer be victims of our own 'market forces', those that put us on sale to the best bidder, we have to redesign in awareness our programs.

I don't particularly enjoy this process, partly because I am one piece of the economic system and hence I enjoyed not being responsible or accountable for myself, this is why there is a sense of release when one finally 'gives up', the inner conflict ends, one accepts that there is really nothing to do and accepts to succumb.

Mainly this is how Food, among other things, became my God, it doesn't really matter if I were slim or fat, most of my day was focused on food, what to eat, when, how to not feel responsible, how to arrange dinners and lifestyles that allowed me to blame my food choices on my surrounding, friends, family, celebrations, anything would do.

This is how I ended up as a Prey to the Money God, on this purpose I would like to share one of La Fontaine fairy tales that I have read recently to a student and that I found sadly, telling the story of humanity

Its titled The Sculptor

A block of marble was so fine,
To buy it did a sculptor hasten.
'What shall my chisel, now 'tis mine--
A god, a table, or a basin?'

'A god,' said he, 'the thing shall be;
I'll arm it, too, with thunder.
Let people quake, and bow the knee
With reverential wonder.'

So well the cunning artist wrought
All things within a mortal's reach,
That soon the marble wanted nought
Of being Jupiter, but speech.

Indeed, the man whose skill did make
Had scarcely laid his chisel down,
Before himself began to quake,
And fear his manufacture's frown.

And even this excess of faith
The poet once scarce fell behind,
The hatred fearing, and the wrath,
Of gods the product of his mind.

This trait we see in infancy
Between the baby and its doll,
Of wax or china, it may be--
A pocket stuff'd, or folded shawl.

Imagination rules the heart:
And here we find the fountain head
From whence the pagan errors start,
That o'er the teeming nations spread.

With violent and flaming zeal,
Each takes his own chimera's part;
Pygmalion[6] doth a passion feel
For Venus chisel'd by his art.

All men, as far as in them lies,
Create realities of dreams.
To truth our nature proves but ice;
To falsehood, fire it seems.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to design a problematic relationship with food as I copied the unhealthy food relationship that my family and my country held with it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my food choices because it seemed better and easier than being self responsible and accountable about it instead of seeing realizing and understanding that my power to change exists only within full self responsibility and blaming others is diverting some of the shame but all of my powers and is not a solution but a temporary band aid that I commit myself to stop using once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when called out about having gone mental about food and my food choices, to justify myself about having had a hard day, a bad news, the need for a pick me up, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that all food choices I make are a statement of either self support or self abuse within the polarized relationship I am living at the moment and that unless I make self supportive choices I cannot ask the world as me to do the same

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no control over food and can never have it because my mother didn't and my grandparents didn't and so I accepted and allowed myself to believe there is nothing I can do about it even after my body moved into self defence by switching off my taste and within this for pushing my body to defend and protect itself from myself as The Mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body to such an extent that I was no longer able to hear what I really need to sustain myself physically vs what I wanted to indulge in to cater to my mind and ideas and beliefs about the positive kickback I could get from eating

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there was no one else creating my relationship to food as it is, but me and that as I created it I can change it into a self supportive stance for myself and my body, equal and one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of sweets and the pleasurable experiences I would get if I could sink my teeth into a pastry, a cake a biscuit only to become disappointed when I do because the imagination of that moment is always way superior to the moment itself instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am flashing myself memories as images with an emotional attachment, seeking for a positive experience and a sense of reward to supress a negative experience of myself that I could instead address in writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application and solve it once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself regarding food to the point that I moved to a tropical island next to a fasting centre, believing that I could do damage control instead of correcting myself because I believed I was unable to do, which in itself was the acceptance of my failure instead of seeing realizing and understanding I can take the time to rewrite this program into a supportive one and walk my correction until my new feeding program would be one of support and one and equal to who I am

I fogive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live one and equal to the shame for having accepted and allowed myself to believe I was weak and disfunctional regarding my relationship to food and that I had to hide what was really going on inside myself and my worship of food instead of seeing realizing and understanding I created Food as My God by accepting my submission to it instead of walking one and equal to food as a source of sustenance and one of support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up food stories to show people around me that my relationship with food was effortless and fine and that I didn't have any problem regarding food due to my perception that my shameful relationship to food was a diminishment of myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my perceived diminishment was due to my own self judgement and that I could stop judging myself so I would not be feeding the shame and the desire to pretend that everything was fine and instead address this relationship to a point of correction

When and as I see myself desiring to justify my food choices, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that if I make self supportive choices I don't need to justify them and that if I desire to justify them is because I am holding a judgement toward myself or the food I am about to it, which I need to correct in writing and SCA

When and as I see myself wanting to diminish my efforts to realign to a self supportive relationship to food by minimizing the steps I am taking to do so, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that my dishonesty regarding my relationship to food affects others that feel equally justified to never come clean about this problem so we can correct ourselves once and for all and stop our self abuse to become instead self supportive human beings

When and as I see myself fearing what others may think of me regarding my relationship with food, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I only fear my own self judgements that I project on others and apply self forgiveness to any judgement I am holding against myself in the moment to bring myself back to a point of stability

When and as I see myself wanting to believe that I have no choice, no power, no say in my relationship to food, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there was no relationship to food within me until I created one through my allowances and acceptances and then loaded it with my justifications and excuses but I can undo everything I have done, it will take a little time to peel all the layers but I can do if because ultimately I am always the one that decides

I commit myself to write about Food until food doesn't have an energetic content for me but just a nutritional physical value where, while preferences are fine, choices that are just supporting my mind vs my body are no longer acceptable and accepted

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