Day 281: Berlusconi - Can't Manufacture Consent? Buy It!

Berlusconi's ranked in 3rd at the Italian election, most votes he took from people he bought with promises of a tax return and, even scarier, by buying for Ac Milan, His soccer team and one of the favorite of the tournament, their favorite soccer player, Ballottelli.

The first news is out in the open, he himself sent letters to citizens, pensioners and even priests, who notoriously don't pay property taxes because their properties are 'places of worship', to offer back the last tax we paid during the Monti administration. Some really believed him, as unfathomable as it is.

But today I want to write about something else which is more sinister and which we must not realize in its full context, because if we did it could be the trigger to wake us up from slumber, forever.

So, a few days ago, a gentleman who was a politician in 2006 during the Prodi administration, Mr. De Gregorio, decided to confess that Berlusconi gave him 3 million euros to switch party and make the government fall. Maybe it rings just like another story of corruption, when in fact those votes brought down a democratically elected administration, one that the people chose to represent themselves, basically, through Money, the chosen ones were kicked out of Parliament for the benefit of 1 Man, who has made himself God in Italy, above and beyond the Law, going as far as changing the law of conflict of interest to serve and allow him to own the televisions the media AND be in Government at the same time - and never do 1 day of jail in the process, no better he  attacks the magistrates because THEY stand in His way and because, HE CAN-  and yet, look, all that Manufacturing of Consent did not work, the people chose someone else, we went and expressed a preference that was more aligned with the interests of all and so what did he do, he bought the Parliament for Himself, what else?

He has in the past either been cleared, or cases have run beyond the judicial time limit. Also, jail sentences for people over 75 can be commuted to house arrest in Italy.

In 2009, Mr Berlusconi estimated that over 20 years he had made 2,500 court appearances in 106 trials, at a legal cost of 200m euros.

I have no illusion that in the place of the Politicians bought out I would have not done the same, we live in times of uncertainty since.... the beginning of time, because in a world where not everyone has the same opportunities, the same chances, you gotta be scared, your luck could turn, you could no longer be protected by God, the Holy Mary, Baby Jesus, Buddha, then you would have to fend for yourself like everyone else.

And this is what Berlusconi can count on, he can bully anyone and then buy out -almost- anyone, such is our utter weakness in the face of Money.

Why would that be then, when 70% of the people are asked about Money and the pivotal role it has come to play in all our lives, they reply 'Money is Not All?' - yes, people lie all the time, it's now scientifically proven.

The evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers has argued that self-deception is rooted in an adaptive mechanism. Specifically, humans have always had to navigate through a maze of complex social interactions. Part of the driving force behind the evolution of the human brain is the need to be Machiavellian in how one handles others. This creates the classic evolutionary arms race between the evolution of Machiavellian strategies when interacting with others, and the counter force of detecting such strategies in others when they are interacting with us. Trivers argued that self-deception is in part an adaptation to the latter counter force. In other words, self-deception minimizes the likelihood that others will be able to detect one's duplicitous intent, as it removes any outwardly cues of inner conflict

We deceive ourselves about what is really important, we have arguments and philosophize, we created theories, wrote books, poems, screenplays in which everything magically appears and we skip the money part, the 'how the f**k did you get THAT' part, we keep creating systems to deceive ourselves about what we really care for, which is MONEY, because no matter how strongly we defend the point that Money is Not All, we want it for ourselves because we know what Money Truly is, Money is Freedom, is the Freedom from fear, anguish, from living on the street, from going hungry, from not being able to travel, to move, it's the Freedom to make Moral choices and yes, we'll make a few immoral ones on our way to having enough because we don't see the Money maze and then we amaze ourselves in discovering that it's never enough.

People who are in politics, earning close to 200000 euro per year with plenty benefits have ENOUGH, but not as Enough as they would like, they would just like a little bit more, 3 million is a good start, then they can switch off as well the fear for the future of their children and grandchildren, what a luxury.

And yet, as clear as we are about Money and what it REALLY buys, we don't want to grant it to others, because we want us to have a "Lack of fear" advantage, so we can pretend we are Brave, when in fact we are just Money Brave, sure if Berlusconi had no more Money tomorrow he wouldn't be so brave to not attend ALL of his trials declaring one lie after another that would not be accepted by one without the Bravery of Money, or to try and take over the Judiciary or anyone just because he can spend 200 million euros in legal fees, would he?

As a group, we faced and are facing the point of Money, we admitted to ourselves that Money is God, as such We propose a new system of handling this world we share, first, we ALL come CLEAN about Money, we stop lying to prove it's not, because that one little white lie we insist on telling is what is keeping the Money system exactly as it is, in the hands of those who have faced it and said 'Money is not All? GIVE IT TO ME THEN!". So we face the point that Money has become for each one of us our God, from there we can change what we worship, we take a step to realize that only Life has value and we restart from scratch, we SEE for Real for the first time that everyone is born Equal and that it was not ever meant like in Animal House, that some are born MORE EQUAL, it means what we say, All Equals, all must have access to the resources they need to live, all are uplifted from poverty, misery, fear, doom and gloom ahead, all are put in condition to restore their Integrity through an act of Grace that we grant to each other as Self, as One and from there we build a new world.

When the lives of all will be guaranteed and FEAR will no longer play a role in Human Interactions, no one will be able to be manipulated and no one will desire to, because as we build a system that works for All as those who want it, we become the system and we realign to a system of giving vs a system of getting and slowly we can retrace where we got lost and bring back all our pieces and then we'll have Heaven o Earth for everyone and not just for the few that can now BUY it for themselves, leaving all the rest in Hell as Children of a Lesser God.

Equal Money, the New world starts Here, one self honest step at the time. Join us.

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Day 169: Deleting the Corruptible Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child connect Money to a positive experience, as I associated Money with the image 'my problems are solved' and a sense of relief' (which could be why we call foreign aids 'relief' as well, which begs the question 'if we understand Money to be a Relief, meaning that those that don't have it live in a constant state of stress and anxiety as to how they will make it another day', why is MONEY NOT given to All Equally?)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child, perceive Money as my independence from my mother, as the 'thing' that allowed me to have what I wanted without having to justify why and how I spent my money in the pursuit of my desires, money that I received in 'secret' from my grandparents and on which I had absolute indisputable control as my 'freedom'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child, associate my secret money to an idea of 'Freedom' as in having My Own Money makes me not accountable for my actions/spending, which is exactly what happens to those with lots of Money, who believe they are not accountable for their actions, because Money will buy a way out of anything

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child, when in the presence of my grandparents or people that I knew would give me 'pocket money' to transform myself into whatever they wanted like a circus performer, so they would reward me with the Money as energy as positive experience, that I desired

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child feel a mixture of guilt and excitement when 'secret' money was given to me that I knew I could hide and not have to justify to my mother what I spent it on, associating Money with 'excitement'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a child to believe that Money was what everyone was after because it moved secret dynamics of energy within my family and fears when my grandmother would say to my mother 'I will delete you from my will' or when she gave her some 'pocket money' to spend as she wished

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Money with 'Love' and the feeling of 'being loved/cared for' because anyone who would part from their money to give it to me, must have loved me because Money was the most important thing in the world, nobody wanted to part from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed as a child when I had to be on my 'best behaviour' to have access to money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excited when I knew we were about to visit one of the people that was on my list of 'money lenders', because money was never given for FREE but always against something that I had to do, be or say in return for the 'grant'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use money in my life as a manipulation tool to make people do, be or say something specific, using money as the positive energy that rewards the bending of a Character to my will and for having been the Character bent to someone else's will because of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the corruption outside of me, when in fact I have accepted and allowed myself to be corrupted by Money outside and Energy inside as the positive experience I sought and achieved when I was in possess of money, was given money or was paid money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad for my relationship with money and for hiding from myself how important, and infact vital, money had become in my life and in everyone's life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I was part of the positive thinkers and LOA,  say that Money is Not important, just because I had plenty access to it, and for preaching that Love is the most important thing in the world, just because I didn't want to seem attached to money because being attached to Money is negatively judged by society -and therefore by myself as a member of society

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that we were taught to feel bad for wanting seeking Money, so that the ones who had it could keep it for themselves and not be challenged about it as we fell under the weight of the negative emotional experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Not realize that everyone is secretly or openly attached to Money due to what Money has become in this World, a Life resource without which we are left in the cold, homeless, starving and ultimately if sick, dying because we don't even have the Money to access the Healthcare system or medications

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed that money played such a big role in every single interaction in my life, in which, whenever I met someone either for business or privately, if the topic would move onto Money, I would automatically move into my Corruptible and consequently 'What's in it for me' Character, because I  connected Money to a positive experience that when is mentioned I want to have access to

I fogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn Money into a tool for abuse of myself and others instead of seeing Money as a tool for support of All Life Equally, and for not questioning why, if Money is now the key to access resources and Choices, is not given to All Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny that Money plays a vital role in this world, because when I had money I could down play it, because I Had it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spread the lie of LOA that said we all have equal chances in Life to have what we want and desire if we align to it, when in fact we DO NOT have Equal Chances because a Child born in war torn Darfur will not have the same chances of one of the Rotschild's children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the Inequalities of this World through the belief in reincanation and the 'Idea' that everyone chooses the life they walk into, when in self honesty I have a long list of lives that are currently playing out that I would not have chosen for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself and my mother 'I am not like You' meaning I am not attached to Money like you, always calculating and checking what you can spend and where, not because I was not like her, but because I disliked this trait in her as 'Cheap' and as negatively charged, so I did all my calculations and money planning within the secret of my Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was disgusted with myself because I saw that when the Money topic came into any conversation, I would change my posture and perceive a state of anticipation as in a Pavlovian reflex, and for subjecting my body to this energetic abuse for the sake of an 'idea' and definition of Money I myself accepted ad allowed within me as Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when moving into this Corruptibe Character, dislike myself and perceive I could not trust myself and in fact shouldn't, because this Character, and all others, never make any common sense what's bes for all choices, but just what's best for me choices and in no way can I trust what comes up into my mind after I have seen myself shifting into the canning Character of Money, but instead I must STOP MYself, Breathe and do not make any decisions until I no longer perceive myself as pushed and shoved and in the grip of Energies as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Money to the experience of shopping as happiness and worth that I projected in everything around me, including people, places, countries etc.  as I saw last night with my ex husband when he said 'Italy is now lousy because it's grey, few people aound and ALL Shops are closed'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when counting Money, touching Money, looking at Money coming out of the ATM machine, feel this happiness as an energetic movement of empowerment, because as I allow this money driven empowerment, when I am not Money driven I am disempowered and this is how the system is keeping us all locked into the perception of 'not being abe to move, not being able to change anything' as who we are as Money is integrated within our bodies and we will have to undo what we have done to release ourselves and this world from the grip of Money as our Master

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the current Money System is a gambling system, in which 99% loses and 1% wins and that we are the ones that have to come together as a Solution to this problem, giving up all hopes that we may be winning because the 1% that could win has already won and is NOT putting back the Money on the game table for All to have Equal Chances at this Game, because by now they bought the game and they hide their profits offshore so they won't even pay taxes on it and are basically supported by the poor al the way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Hope to win at this game, which is how The Game holds us in, because we have not left the table and moved on to create a system in which the Money that is used now will simply no longer be valuable and the New Money will be distributed to Everyone Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that we are born into a rigged Monopoly Game and that games like Monopoly are created to imprint ourselves with how the system works, so that we will always know, from when we are children, that not everyone wins, but just one, making it normal that the majority has to lose AND PLAY for 1 to win, or we could call off all games and get up from this unfair game and set up the New Rules of the game to benefit All Life Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that if I were asked to sit at a Monopoly Game in which everything had already been distributed, land, hotels and resources, I would notice that the game IS NOT played that way, because we have to start with Equal Opportunities and this is why Money is distributed Equally at the Monopoly Game, and yet we came into this world and insist on accepting that THIS Game is played Unequally, just because someone said so, the meagre 1%, but they have spent so much Money con-vincing us All that we now believe it, and even believe that it is normal that resources of the earth be owned and that such a thing cannot be changed because we are only the 99% , DUH

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a Child, when I asked about why not all kids eat, when told that I was lucky because I did eat, and when asking why in Africa there were Poor kids we had to send stuff to, accept the brainwashed answers of my parents, my teachers, my priests, nuns and all the other zombies that walked this earth before me as Truths, because I lacked the vocabulary to tell them that what they were saying that they insisted made sense, DID NOT make sense, because if we kept sending goods, food and toys to Africa, there should come a day when we did not need to, when we had effectively Equalized the field, and yet I let another 30 years go by before asking the same questions to myself again, such as WHY has Charity Failed, why didn't we manage to feed the World when we throw away food, why is it OK to let people die of starvation and we have been unable to solve THAT problem while we went on the Moon and now Mars? And for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when raising the point that we should in no way leave this planet until we fix what we have here as problems that are costing people's lives, be dismissed with the 'logic' that we need the technology that comes from space travels, such as the microwave or other things that further our c-evil-azation, when in fact we have no civilization going at all, because civilization would mean a society in which all are cared for, from birth to death, and not this world in which much suffering goes on while we justify our technology as an advacement and fail to see, we keep advancing stepping on those that are left behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when my e.h. said 'go change the world but don't make too much damage' feel off-ended, as if this 'Mission' was not important, making this remark personal as in patronizing as in 'go on little system, let's see how far you go with your foolishness' about 'changing the World' and for perceiving that as he said, this is an impossible task, because he is scientific and knows better than me what it takes on a Project level to move to the finish line, and yet this is not at all impossible, because I am not infact in charge of the World, but of Myself, so as to no longer be a random piece that exists in separation as self interest and greed, driven by an imaginary idea and a fictionary energetic experience, but in alignment with Breath Here as One Piece of the Whole, addressing myself as all Self, in Self correction to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal with the Shame I felt for this existence and that I suppressed, because if I didn't I would have to look into that shame and do something about it, such as investigating what is this existential shame we all share and feel, until I would have uncovered the truth of Who We Are, as the very leeches of Existence that leave a wake of Death wherever We move, for the Love of Profit and Money.

I commit myself to flag every single energetic experience I have in connection to Money, so that I can stop my existence as Corruption inward and outward, and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for ALL

I commit myself to breathing to come back to the Physical and to not allow myself to be driven by Money/Energy as the search for a positive experience/happiness but to stand in and as Breath for as long as it will take to manifest a World that is Best for All 

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• Day 88: Capitalism vs Socialism?
• Day 105: Human Liberties
• Day 109: Politics as a Double-Faced Game
• Day 111: Evilution - Neocolonialism - Part 2
• Day 107: Getting Reality to Conform to an Illusion
• Day 170: Letting go of Little Miss Money Bags
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Day 168: Born Corrupted - Character

So, something opened up and I need to address this point by taking a break from my Marriage Walk.

The point of Money.

We are probably not aware about How deep the Money Rabitt Hole goes, we don't want to be aware because if we did we would have to turn back a few steps and swallow some of the words we have spoken about others and this system regarding the unimportant role Money plays in everyone's, everyday life and our own corruption and corruptibility.

So, within 48 hours I have been offered Money twice, once from a guy I don't know and once from my ex husband to start a project for which he would take a share if I accepted.

What I have noticed in both instances has been the anticipation when the words 'I can give you Money' were spoken in two different contest, something similar to the Pavlov effect and the salivation, I went into salivation. Not only, I had a shift, I actually saw myself morph into the 'Corruptible' Character, which is a canny persona that comes with a calculator and a whole truckload of well rehearsed excuses on how from there onward, it is imperative to weight my words on the Money scale before expressing myself and How I am going to present whatever it is that could bring me money in the best possible light, it's just 'Normal', it's the way we do things, what's wrong with that? I became 'nicer' after both offered/promised me money, but wouldn't that too be normal, I mean they were so nice, kind, considerate (wink wink), I am going to return the favor and be nice, agreeing with what they say, turn down the 'standing firm' a notch, will make them feel good about themselves, I KNOW how to play this game, TRUST ME.

The result was that I then felt shame and guilt, at first I thought it was because I had a secret desire in both cases that you never know, something was there for me to grab, but this is not the point of shame and guilt, that was because I morphed and left the building, leaving the stage to my Corruptible Character and so I experienced myself as having given up on me for Money, for the rush and that moment of projections and fantasies in which I saw myself all settled and buckled up, having my nest to feel safe and not have to live in constant worry which I have to say, it's just another habit because at the moment I do have enough to survive, I don't yet have enough to repay my debts or start a business, yes if I had that money it would be better, but I can build up to earning again, I just have to shake off this loser suite and get moving. So the shame for shifting and leaving myself behind, the guilt because this would be the easy route out, the Money route, the Energy route, when I get that positive 'all is well' feeling that can only be determined by Money, or so I accepted and allowed myself to believe, because I had it, lived it and there is nothing so far that has kept me safe and warm like a Money blanket that guarantees that I have enough for my future.

Interesting that when I had the Money I would preach that Money is NOT necessary, you need LOVE (pfff) and good thoughts and then the Money comes to you, the Universe is always looking after us, in total denial that without Money I would not have been able to lead the life I led, not even close, and that preaching that Money is NOT important and we can do without it in THIS World, is just our attempt to disengage from Money and Materialism but guess what, here we are, smack in the Middle of it, As it.

So, basically, what I want to say to myself is 'fuck off' for all the beliefs I held in disconnection from reality regarding Money, but I want to extend the same 'fuck off' to all the others, who insist on denying that whatever they are living is Thanks to Money, if they have a roof over their head, food on the table, access to internet (some claim to not pay that, they must own the communication company or have bought a satellite or whatever they did originally to Not pay it, and it involved Money), access to a computer, to an education, to healthcare, to transport and to the privately owned world resources, this unfortunately in many countries includes water, YOU NEED MONEY and that denying this is just a way to separate ourselves into 'I'm above it all, I left it all behind' and yet we leave the whole world behind with that, it's not that unplugging from the system makes the system deflate or shows the way to others, NO, because the unplugged ones have the resources to unplug from the system -yes that are bought with Money- and so while preaching that Life with No Money is possible and denying the point of Money in the world because we can convince people that 'they don't need it', 'come on, it's just a tool for evaluation, what? They won't give you food and water? Tell them, money is NOT important, it's not REAL, you can live without, try harder, you haven't put your all into it, it's clear, look at me I live without, don't I? yes of course I own my house, my land, my well, my solar panels, my satellite, my computer, but so what? YOU don't Need these things!!!!!!!!! '

'Don't be swayed by the Money delusion, the point is that we were born in a world where resources are owned, this is the truth. Money is not the problem, beLIEve me, what? You say they don't give you access to the water system, there is the SEA it's free for ALL, get one of these desalinating implants, you just have to invest once, oh don't tell me this Money story again, keep Gd in your heart, this life it's a test, we are just moving through, we are insignificant, Heaven is waiting, and for the money, if you insist, a bank will lend it to you, try the microcredit, they lend to anyone, or loan sharks, they too don't need your credit rate, after that you will see, you have access to water, OK you live far from the SEA, what about the sewage system, now there are chemicals you can put in ANY water and it's drinkable again, yes they cost money but not too much, come on, don't focus on the money all the time, there is plenty of bridges offering FREE accommodation from harsh weather, you can knit for yourself some jumpers and blankets with grass, it's free, knitting classes are free, or get down to some charity, rich people change their clothes at every season, even more, every MONTH, some will only wear something once, you get virtually NEW stuff if you go to the Salvation Army places, you'll find something that fits, if you live in the city get a list of the shelters, I mean there is SO MUCH you can do without Money, BE CRE-A-TIVE, this is my tip'

And for the other side that has intellectualized why they have a right to their Money because they worked hard for it, I just want to say NO YOU DIDNT, 'WE DIDN'T', the people I talk to are/were all white collars, we spent at best long hours at well light up air-conditioned/heated offices for which we were royally rewarded, we had an expense account, paid accommodation and transport, so just to be particular, working hard is what they do in China a menial, killer job that repeats into infinity, standing for hours until the veins in the legs pop and your feet swell to elephant size, being timed for how fast and how many pieces you can do in 1 hour, or, hard working is in a mine, in the dark with little air for most of your life for a tuppence, or nothing at all as in the case of slaves and /or children that just get food and a place to sleep, and when you go on strike they shoot your friends and then incriminate you for disturbance of public order as it just happened in South Africa, or prostitution with men you would never want to have sex with, that beat you up, pay you extra money for a condom free fuck, that you can't refuse because you have the rent to pay, your children school, you can't read or write and will never have access to the Money system unless you allow it to fuck you, literally, so, the jobs that should be paid the most are the ones WE wouldn't want to do, instead this world is upside down, it rewards the ability to learn skills to fuck with each other, to move imaginary assets called MONEY around the world on the Money grapevine, to falsify accountancy books to pay less taxes,  -that will be paid by the ones at the bottom of the pyramid, that's WHY they are there at all-, have what we call in Italy 'Creative Accountancy' -which is LEGAL- to show less profit to the workers to reduce their meagre wages, open off shore companies to make Money disappear like Houdini, and yet we justify WHY some have a right to a better life than others and why 'Making Money is our Duty' embracing the ideal of the trickle down effect that doesn't trickle anywhere because as one goes up, everything does too, desires, costs of living, costs of maintaining an expensive Persona to show off that we made it, we have arrived. And when all else fails, there is God, thanks GOD for God, because unless we gave him the responsibility and the 'carte blanche' to manage the resources on Earth within such Inequality Models, what would we do, should we take responsibility for what is Here, how would we ever manage to see in common sense how to create a world that works for everybody, to no longer allow ourselves to dismiss the fact that 30000 kids dying of starvation/malnutrition a day is NOT normal even if they are Not Our Kids, and that 2.5 billion people that have no access to sanitation is 1/3 of the Planet and not a random anomaly and that violence, wars and everything else that is out-flowing from a system of Inequality and injustice could be stopped, corrected, if we stopped believing to be entitled to a better life than others, because Money buys us choices and those with No Money have No Choices, we took all the best Choices for ourselves and left them out in the cold.

So, whatever is your No Money or Pro Money (for yourself alone) Stance -because God gave it to You, because you worked hard for it, because you deserve it, because you have to think for yourself first-, because Equal Money is not scientifically proven to work and because we are Not Equals and some are really Worth more than Others -like me-, will you please just FUCK OFF?

Tomorrow I will walk my SF on my Corruptible Character to delete it once and for all so that, when next time someone offers me money to shut me up, the same way I have used Money in my life to shut someone up,  knowing that Money does that to People as the Money/Pavlov effect is automatically activated, because Money has become Who We Are,  and there is nothing we would not say or do to access a slice for ourselves, until we STOP, and that the system is designed in such a way to reward the most the jobs in which one should have the most to say about this system and its injustice and immorality (as one becomes privy to the deepest ugliness of the underbelly of this world, and his stand as a point of self correction would be even more demanded), to ensure that the desire for Equality and Justice doesn't arise, as it is suppressed with Money,  loads of it, as a guarantee of the upholding of  the lies of the Money System,  next time I will notice myself attempting to move and shift into the Corruptible Character, I will, STOP, breathe and will not hide myself, desert myself, deny myself the right to speak in common sense what I can see clearly, and as my canny Character takes out the calculator and looks for support within other Characters/Players to prove and justify that I am doing the Right Thing, 'I will share the Money this time, listen to meeee', and yet I myself alone can see in self honesty that I am moving through an energetic experience and I can never be self honest when I am allowing myself to be ruled by Energy as Self Interest and will swiftly move into the 'what's in it for me' Character, the partner in crime of the Canny One, Instead I will breathe myself back here and reply when I am no longer energetically moved so I will be able to see clearly what I am wanting to do and WHY, address the point, release myself, break this shackles to keep walking my correction as one piece of the puzzle of the One that returns in alignment with Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

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Day 22: Rotten Fruits - Sugar Granny and Sugar GrandDad

One way I was aware things were not right within my family were secrets. Secrets become burdens, I was burdened as a child, I was keeping everyone's secrets, the small and the big ones, I was always asked 'don't tell.....', and I wouldn't tell.

One thing I was not supposed to tell, was the amount of sugar I had access to when staying at my grandparents, we would go shopping at the supermarket and I would have free reign to fill the cart with ALL the candies and sweets I wanted, this way after lunch or dinner, I would sit quietly on the couch going through my packs of candies while my grandparents watched what they liked on TV, I would be excluded from having a say on what I would have liked to do or watched on TV because I had already been given a treat, the sugar, and I wanted ongoing access to this treat, funny I just misspelled the word treat as threat, they are just one 'H' away, when I look at the H it looks like a stair, and it looks like a bond of two 'I" joined together yet kept at a lenght, so a threat is a treat that threatens the Ego, while the treat is a treat that soothes the Ego, it only lacks the conflicting Egos, the 'I's as they have found one common ground, a compromise, a way of treating each other, a Treaty in the shared Mind Conflicts, A Treat.

So, what is the threat behind the treat ?

The treat is the undeclared threat about what not to do, you shouldn't be asking anything, you should be compliant, pleasing, in your place, appreciative of the Egos of the owners of the House and grateful, you should be keeping the secrets of what goes on inside this particular household, do not tell another that gossips is going on about them, sugar is to shut our mouth, to give us the sweetness that is taken away in the trade for sugar, the loss of Self, of the pieces we trade in suppression that leave us bitter and angry and then the sugar comes in as a compensation.

I took to the sugar extensively, I asked my mum today and she told me, we never had much sugar at home, so my sugar Highs happened mostly out of Home, with the money my other grandfather gave me and I could hide because they were 'a secret between me and him', childhoods are spoilt either by money or sugar or both as a reward system, I would see the sugar point mostly as the rubber tape on my mouth, this is the image that comes up, and while I stuffed myself with sugar, my family's secret rotted and festered inside of me and I rotted and festered with them in my own self judgement of my disloyalty and corruption.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade sugar for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bribed by sugar as a treat so as to never become a threat to the family fake balance made of lies and personality play outs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep secrets suppressed about what was going on and the comments made for which I did not stand up in exchange for sugar and treats

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe life was bitter and I had to sweeten it with sugar and treats

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel dirty and heavy due to the secrets I agreed to carry to not upset anyone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade my self honesty for candies and for a reward system that started with sweetening my perceived bitterness of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ask my grandparents to stop the gossiping that weighted on me because I feared I would no longer have access to their treats and their love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sugar and food to loving instead of seeing the bribery and manipulation of the reward system that I have lived one and equal to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be accepted and for this desire accepting to give myself up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that as long as I had enough everything was fine with my world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare the sweetness of sugar to other foods and for preferring sugar to other more nutritional foods that were supportive for my body because I was after a high

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get high on sugar trying to leave behind the conflicts of me as the Mind that made me feel Low

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of Highs and Lows, fearing the Lows while wishing for the Highs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept Life as simplicity here in and as Breath because I was always looking for the next fix to feel High

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Sugar until my body gave in under the Abuse and manifested brain problems in the form of  inflammation of the cortex for which I had to take pharmacological tablets for a year or more (while I still ate sugar in hiding)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body with sugar until I had my appendix removed due to inflammation of my guts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept myself unconditionally and being in a constant state of anger and disapproval of myself that  I wished to sweeten up with all the sugar I could get my hands on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not control myself with sugar because I liked the way it made me feel as a compensation for a life of misery that I myself created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to binge on sugar no matter what my body tried to tell me in oh so many ways about how I as the body felt when I introduced excessive amounts of sugar in my system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because I was unable to control myself regarding my use of sugar , even when I felt sick and sickened by it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat sugar in secret in fear I would not be allowed to eat such large amounts and I would have to get to feel lousy as a result of not having access to such extensive amounts of sugar

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt when the school doctor told me I was fat and asked my mum when did I start to get fat, because I felt ugly for being fat and I stuffed myself with sugar to forget about what I felt when he said 'you are Fat'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being fat and for vomiting after I overloaded with sugar in certain occasion in fear of the manifested consequences of my sugar addiction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my eating disorders on my family instead of seeing it was not the eating disorders of my family eating me away but the mental and emotional patterns they have passed on and that I have accepted and allowed as me, as who I am, that led me to the same behaviours of suppression through food and sweets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my secret eating disorders that I did not want to disclose to anyone, not even with my friends who came and told me They had eating disorders, a point I dismissed for them as 'you are just having a good time' , because I feared having to look at the truth of my own eating disorders and why I was suppressing myself with food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food and sugar as a buffer between me and men because I did not want to have to face being attractive and what I would do with that power with the kind of mindset I lived one and equal to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting a job, because a job will get me slim again and then I will have to face this point of suppression about men and Relationships that I was not ready to face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a relationship and for suppressing this desire with food because I no longer think I am worthy of one and  do anything to prove i am not starting with making myself unattractive (which is a point of worthiness) through food and sweets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that attractiveness, meaning my ability to lure men into a sexual and emotional  trap, makes me worthy, instead of accepting me as Self Worth Here in Every Moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress me as Life with Food and Sugar, forbidding my self expression as I accepted the suppression pattern as a child when I accepted my first sugar bribe in exchange for me as Life Here in and as Breath

When and as I see myself desiring food as a way to escape or to suppress something I feel or think about, I stop, look in self honesty at what am I trying to suppress and address it self honestly in writing and self forgiveness and correct myself

When and as I see myself trying to justify why it would be Ok for me to eat when I am in fact not hungry, I stop, look at what pattern I am trying or planning to try to stuff down with food, sit down, write it out and if I cannot, I speak it out loud until I start to clearly see what bothers me in self honesty so I can address it when I can in writing, apply self forgiveness and correct myself

I commit myself to find ways to support my body with food as what is best for both, Mind and Body, as the Mind is not my enemy and the Body is my Support and together we can work and stand for What is Best for me, meaning in giving myself the support I would like to receive, and What is Best for All

I commit myself to investigate all my Food Patterns until I can stand clear about Food as me as Support, and no longer separate myself from Food as Support, making of Food an Enemy or a Partner in crime against me as the Body

I commit myself to no longer make anyone else responsible for the way I eat and support myself and to Stand in and as Unconditional Support of myself and others Equal and One for What is best for All.