Friday, April 4, 2014

Day 396: Developing a Spiteful Character - The Beginning

This is a follow up to my post
The Normalization of Spite and Malice

So, as I listened to the Eqafe interviews about Spite that advised to look for the time when we actually kick started this construct and how this was related to a moment in time with our parents, who might have opposed us for our greater good, while we perceived ourselves attacked as 'a personality system' and instead of pushing to move beyond our preprogrammed path, we moved into Spite as the revenge mechanism for a perceived attack one of the fail safe mechanism to safeguard ourselves as the Mind and its preprogramming.

I have very clear memories of how I dealt with my mum in Spite as I was growing up, precisely within this dynamic, which is why the Eqafe interviews are awesome, to say the least.

As I wrote before in previous posts, I lived a schizophrenic economic reality, with my wealthy grandparents -by comparison to where I lived everyday - and life in what we would call 'the projects' if we were in the USA, or council estate in the UK, where crime and violence was rife and chances for people to get out of there were pretty slim.

My mother was an educated woman, she wanted for me a better life than the one she was building for us working like a dog and bringing home extra work to do even in the evenings to make sure we would have more than enough to live comfortably, so she naturally pushed for the best education she could give me.

Here 2 events stick out in my mind of how my internal revolt against her started, one was when she screamed at me for the first time out of school and I got shit scared and felt a wave of pure hatred for her as a result of how I experienced myself in fear and humiliation, which of course called for revenge, another time that pops up is my teachers saying that I could have done more at school, praising my intelligence and condemning my lack of motivation - which was not a lack of motivation but my own way of getting back to my mother for what I perceived as her own wrongdoings, because at the time I did not have the tools to understand that those experiences within me were created by myself and no one else.

So I will start with these 2 points and see where we go from here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect a specific moment of fear that I felt as a kid, due to my mum raising her voice for the first time about some school assignments and to blame her for how vulnerable and shit scared I felt and within this for having made her the source and reason of my fear, the culprit of all that I experienced in that one moment which I was unable to define but in which I felt threatened, only to end up igniting the desire to seek revenge and make her pay for what I perceived she did to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that things could have never been the same 'after what she had done to me' meaning my experience of myself as threatened through which I concluded this was a woman I could never trust because look what she was capable of doing to me  and within that to desire to pay her back with the same currency, making her feel bad, scared, hopeless just like she had done to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek the one point my mum was always pushing me about, which was education, to use it against her, convincing myself that I could upset her if I did not do well  in school, creating for myself a non achiever personality where I would make sure to do just enough to pass but never more, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that we had colluded on a point that was pushing me beyond my preprogramming, which was for me to never achieve anything, because this world was designed not for everyone to have the same choices and opportunities but for some to be left behind - or to be moved to leave themselves behind so they could form the base of the pyramid for others to step on all the way to the top

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my experience of myself in HK in a position of leadership caused me so much stress because I has stretched myself way beyond my preprogramming without letting go of the personality of underachiever which gave me the experience of always be thorn in two and never be safe and sound within the job I had built for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make Asia a special place in my mind due to how I felt myself expanding there, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I expanded because I removed myself from the place where I wanted to be less than I could be to spite my mother, making sure to create for her an endless loop of guilt for how I turned out way below her expectations based on my undeniable potential

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that, when I was spiteful in my mind toward my mother, I was in fact justified because of what she did that made me what I was, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that no one could ever make me but myself through my choices, acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to make my mum wrong so I could invalidate her and her stance of always preaching education and within this for developing a rebellious personality in spite, just to annoy her and to prove to her that I would never bend to her wishes for me to have a better life than the one she managed for herself, proving to myself that I have always and only spited myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason why I expanded myself and my education when I moved to Asia was because I was away from the nefarious influence of my mother, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it was due to me having made her into a nefarious character so I could hold on to my preprograming as intended, that I experienced her as limiting and as a pain in the ass, failing to see that it was never about what she stood for but what I stood against that defined our relationship

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mum for how I experienced myself the first time she raised her voice and for having held on tenaciously to the memory of that moment as a moment that defined me and my life, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that memories are the blocks through which consciousness creates itself and that it is not optional to let them go but mandatory, to be able to change a pattern for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of my mother's perceived wrongdoings because then I could justify why I was spiteful to her and within this for feeling regret yesterday when she said that she experienced a rush of memories of things gone bad between her and myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that her memories are her responsibility and I cannot sort them out for her or redefine her relationship to them in her place but I can stand as a point of support to help her let them go within what she understands that is required of her to be able to bury the past

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish that I had a different history with my mum, making my history with my mum a moment that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me and our relationship, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am the one that can redefine our relationship, no matter what happened in the past in recurring loops before I became aware of how I could walk a point into correction for myself and all of existence equal and one

When and as I see myself going into my mind or about to go into my mind in spite about my mum, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have walked this point in writing and look for the script that I am about to lay out on what to do should this moments come up again, until I can stand stable through them and no longer participate within this design of Spite

When and as I see myself wanting to blame my mum for how I experience myself or reacting at how I am experiencing myself after an interaction with my mum, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I accept to not sort out this point immediately reactions will turn into anger and then anger into blame until I will be into a full fledged possession from which I will be unable to stop and assess what is really going on with me, instead I take responsibility immediately for how I feel or what I have accepted myself to participate in within thought, release it through self forgiveness either within or our loud if the situation allows it and breathe myself back to stability

When and as I see myself thinking that I am entitled to a little spite in comparison to 'what she did, said or what I believe she thought', I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to walk that pattern anymore, see, realize and understand that I may have to practice my non participation because so far I have only practiced my participation in and as spite and keep applying myself until not participating in Spite becomes one and equal to who I am

I commit myself to stop the existence of myself as the mind within spite within the relationship with my mum, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

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