Thursday, August 22, 2013

Day 351: Intimate Relationships - The Dwelling of My Paranoia

We are reconsidering the Paranoia topic for a week.

Last night we had a look at the Paranoia Design. I wish I saw that 20 years ago because it would have saved me much grief in my personal/intimate relationships.

Basically, Paranoia is a consequence of our participation in and as the Mind, as such everything counts, the little reactions one brushes off as insignificant or even worse, as justified, the thoughts, the memories, everything that has an energetic value that is not accounted for and directed will accumulate and finally land one into an Alternate Reality, from which the story doesn't end, from the Alternate Reality as in a whole Made up World of assumptions and con-clusions one keeps feeding the design until the bubble bursts, usually in my experience, wreking absolutely uncalled-for havoc.

I was extensively paranoid when I smoked pot, that was the time when my habit of doing the above bled over into every facet of my existence and ended up into me losing the relationship with my best friend due to this specific behavioral pattern, because of accumulating things I believed she did, said, thought, which I viewed through specific intentions and I kept going until all hell broke loose.

Interestingly, even as I was doing that I had somewhat an awareness that 'I' was the problem, for me it was quite easy because having accepted myself as a pot addict, my whole life was continuosly in question, my choices were questionable, my thoughtts were questionable and then finally my memory became questionable until I could not trust my mind at all -ever and I perceived myself hostage of a creation I had no clue how I had created and how to stop, mostly it happened under my non-watch, one single step at the time further fucking myself into the depths of my delusions.

One of the things that I found really screwed me to the bone was isolation and solitude, those are places that only healthy well balanced people should go and visit and I was not one of those, I don't even know many of them either, isolation and solitude are actually the last resort of the Paranoid, the place where we go and pretend to thrive so we won't have to face the fact that we basically fucked up All our relationships, no matter how good we have become to justify the righteousness of our stand and ways.

So, for today topic I want to write about what happens to me in private/intimate relationships, specifically when 'the object of my affection' is not around, which might illustrate the design in more detail for others to see it as well.

It usually starts with everything cool, leveled comunication while some points are not disclosed just because they seem irrelevant or petty on my side, this as well comes from my experience with my mother's attempts at comunication which invariably led to lengthy moments of tension and my desire to run away and stop the river of meaningless words she would flood me with and that I had lost the ability to see for what they were, her attempt to reach out and right things between us, however she could.

It's a bit sad to write this now as even this point that led to me believing in how useless words are as effective tools to navigate the world was a point of sellf manipulation, which I used to not allow her to get close because I myself did not know how to fix all the water that had gone under our shared bridge and I didn't see how it would be possible that simple words could correct the consequences of our actions and participation as the relationship we lived, we had participated in extensive mutual diminishment and never corrected it, her clumsy attempts to straighten things out were always met by me with contempt, specifically when her speeches started with 'you know I love you very much'.

yes, right, this must be why you beat me, or threw me out of your house or told me I was a whore just because you couldn't find any other way to put me down - just keep your fucking loving to yourself all-right-y?

In this way words somehow lost credibility in my eyes and I decided I wouln't waste my time and my life in even trying to fix with words what was done with deeds, there was no way, they were no match.

I took on most of my mother's constructs, like the building up of energy in the form of anger, frustration, disappointment, I just changed the way I dealt with them because I didn't like her way, the incontinent way of leaking words continuously looking for resolutions that never came.

And so I embody the opposite, the aversion to communicating or even trying, the resistance to sitting down to elaborate a point with another beyond preconceived ideas and I am the most ineffective in my intimate relationship, where I always skip the 'what is going ons', 'where are you ats', 'what's your view on this', to make sure step by step that we understand each other, instead I leave extended period of silence go by, pretending everything is cool, trying to make everything go away by shushing away thoughts and reactions vs stopping and directing myself and them into A SOLUTION, into an agreement that doesn't leave space for backchats or doubts.

In my next blog I will write my Self forgiveness and corrective statements on this specific point.

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