Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Day 435: Deleting the 'Mean' from the 'Meaning of Consequence'

This is a follow up to my Post The Meaning in Consequence - link at the bottom.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live consequences as punishment, as required atonement, as someone else's idea of what I had to endure for what I had done, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that consequence just means an accumulation of a series of events that lead to a specific result

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create consequences for others when I believed they were getting out of a situation without 'footing the bill', because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that consequence meant a debt that was created and had to be repaid by myself or another, either through negative emotions or by public exposure

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I did not put someone through their 'consequences' they would never 'learn' what they did and within this for filing a memory of my step grandmother rubbing the face of her puppies in their pee, so they would learn through 'consequences' that they should not pee around the house again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a child, think and plot about how I could create consequences for my little cousin who I perceived was loved and always considered, while I perceived myself to not have part in the same experience in my home, by throwing his toys down the balcony and then blaming him so he may have 'to face consequences' as punishment, like I did all the time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'he/she/they should not get away with this so lightly' and for wishing the punishment of people that I perceived had done something wrong, instead of questioning why we were trapped in a cycle of punishments for our miss-takes vs creating support to correct ourselves

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold grudges as a way to bring about 'punishment' as 'consequence' for people I interacted with that I perceived did something wrong,  because I feared that if I didn't they would walk all over me and they would not respect me as someone they shouldn't be messing with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recreate the same pattern over and over again, without questioning it, with my mum because I made her the cause of this pattern in my mind and within this made her the one that should take back what she dished out to me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, no parents is born with a manual and they will repeat the mistakes of those that went before them until someone breaks the chain and stops the patterns in their tracks

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel anger and live one and equal to that anger when I saw someone unwilling to live through the consequences I felt entitled to dish out for them, because it seemed unfair to me that I walked through consequences as punishment, as the guillotine, self inflicted by myself every time I made a mistake, using negative emotions as a form of punishment and leverage of my mistakes and within this for wanting others to do the same, to not skip gingerly the step of discomfort to move on to a solution without the 'atoning part' as in 'punishment' and within this for binding myself and others to punishment instead of the required support to see and correct our mistakes, without using negative emotions or positive feelings to move out of them but simply assessing reality, the potential damage and the correction required to be implemented in the moment to allow everyone, included myself to correct ourselves and move on

When and as I see myself about to judge someone/something so I can assess if what is happening is right or wrong according to my own ideas/beliefs/expectations or moral stance, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have no clue about what another is going through and why they are taking a specific stance and if I still see they made a miss-take, I check to make sure I am not reactive or embodying a specific personality and then, only then, if I can, move to assist another as myself in and as support

When and as I see myself about to engage the 'consequence construct', I stop, breathe, see in myself how I have scripted out my Sf and correction, look for points I may have missed if I feel the grip of the construct still has a hold on me and continue to investigate it and purify it until I stand absolute as support and not as a vigilante of my own and other people's actions

When and as I see myself projecting on another possible motives for their actions, I stop, breathe, take the projection back to myself and correct myself in the moment to not use another to take a distance from my own responsibility for the patterns I need to address and change within myself

I commit myself to design myself as a pillar of support, to delete all previous attachments I had to the word consequence as ideas, beliefs and memories and to walk myself into and as a punishment free-supportive stance for myself and all of existence Equal and One

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