Sunday, March 16, 2014

Day 387: Relationships Paranoia - Criticism - How to Handle It

The other day I had a mini meltdown within my relationship due to a joke my partner made where I felt attacked and devalued on a point that I perceive is valuable -which is femininity.

I am learning that once these instances take place I don't have to then move into self judgement but I can check what reactions I had and correct them, so the next mini meltdown can be prevented.
Also I learnt that if I define something as 'criticism' as a negative experience due to how I first accepted the definition of this word in and as me such as

The expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes

I would miss out on the broader sense of criticism that can be defined as well as

Going back to the origin of this word

adjective (2-1-2)
  1. fit or suitable for deciding, capable of judging
  2. decisive, critical
I see that we have miss-interpreted it from the start.  It is through our reactions that we become unable to get the support of another who is in a moment more fit and capable of really seeing faults and merits of our behavior, the origin and intended form that went astray in a moment of misalignment.

So, the other day when my partner made a joke, I took it personally and went into a mini melt down due to my own invested value in an idea of femininity but there was a gift there that I did not miss out on this time, because it opened up an opportunity for him to criticize my behavior in the scholarly sense of assessing its origin - and because he was not reactive nor did he react to my mini melt down, I could hear clearly what he said and assess it and walk back the timeline of how I miss-in-form-ed myself on that point of relationships, in which I first defined marriage and husbands to be nuisances and hateful occasions n the life of a woman and then, every man that came along, I fit into this 'hateful box' and as my partner said "I see it's nothing personal, I am just working to move out of this box in which you put me that has nothing to do with me'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to a joke my partner made about my jacket being masculine and calling me 'pal' with what I perceived as a gender biased slant because I find offensive to be taken for a man and not a woman

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don't ooze femininity in the sense of cover magazines and movies than I am not valuable as a woman because my value as a woman lies in my femininity and the ability to show I am different from a man which I accepted and believed were of an inferior 'design' through the education of my grandmother that said men have only one thing in their head - hence they are easy to manipulate and maneuver because they are basically stupid, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that they are not an inferior design as in less, they are just differently wired and they struggle themselves with some of the stuff that comes up in their mind, just like we do

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when I realized that this is by far not the first time I have taken a man and locked him into the 'marriage/husband hate-full box' and within this for not having given my previous partners who were not as clear, able and articulate to see and point directly to a pattern I was playing out in its track -as my current partner is- a chance to build a successful, supportive relationship with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as my partner calmly spoke and laid out this pattern in front of my eyes, to have memories of my ex husband popping up and to realize he was the one I ended up hating the most because he fit the hate-full husband box in full, being 'my husband' for real and within this for hating my ex husband on principle and by association with my ideas and beliefs about marriage and husbands and relationships

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have a mini melt down regarding the idea that my partner doesn't find me feminine because if he doesn't than he can walk away on me anytime, because only feminine women can keep their men

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with the reaction of diminishement and a loss of value, desire to diminish him in spite and tell him that if I can't afford more feminine clothes is because I spend most of my money for him and within this to believe that we can diminish each other by throwing on each other's face 'what I have done for you' like my mum used to do with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a moment when I am justified to play the 'with all  have done for you'  which is the moment in which I believe I am unable to contain my reactions and I am faced with someone who is instead stable and I believe that if I destabilize him as well than we both will feel like crap and we are back at an even point of exchange, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is one of the problems of this world, where we are dragging each other down instead of uplifting each other to our maximum potential, just because we have not yet mastered our minds and how to deal with our own reactions based on emotions, feelings, memories, ideas and beliefs

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive the moment in which I could have stopped myself from doing what I did but instead of stopping go right ahead because the desire to even out the field in spite was stronger that shutting up as I was aware that I was reacting and nothing good can come of it once a reaction has started for myself or anyone else involved

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel even smaller when my partner didn't react to my reaction and didn't spitefully tell me that I throw away a lot of money in mismanagement of the house by impulse shopping and within this for perceiving him as better/more than me for doing that and for then desiring to move into self bashing for having fallen into the same pattern again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the comment that my partner made to the morning, when I asked him if he could help me to pull some hair from my chin (stray eyebrows?), something that I have never done before with a man because that would imply I am not feminine if I have facial hairs but took him up on his offer because I trusted that it would support me to move beyond my limits and fears and for desiring to sabotage a moment of true intimacy because I don't know yet how to handle intimacy in the real physical world as I move beyond my fears and definitions of what is appropriate and what not in a relationship

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid when he said that he stays with me because he can see my value and values beyond all the crap I say sometime and in that moment I feared that he was here to last and that I was ill equipped and unworthy of a long lasting relationship because I never had a man that I perceived was around to last but always that he would be around for some time and then move on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am unworthy of a good relationship because I am carrying the same genetic information that existed in my family and specifically in my mother regarding relationships and how much better it is to be alone, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that she always wanted to be alone because within a partnership you are forced to face your patterns and she didn't want to feel threatened by that but I am the one that decides that I can in fact face my patterns because I have the tools to look at them and move beyond them and that building a truly caring relationship will come with my moving beyond my comfort zone again and again to rewrite who I want to be vs who I designed my self to be based on the baggage of my family, my consciousness and lack of awareness/presence of my self

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a man has to come as a burden and for not seeing what my partner knows already, that a relationship can be a point of support that a partner can be a helpful person in your life and that relationships don't have to be bloody and unpleasant unless we make them so

When and as I see myself reacting or about to react within that space that I have observed I am still in control of how I decide something will play out, I stop, breathe, give myself an opportunity to replay in my mind what I saw and what I wrote out for myself as the new script I want to live and then become the new script as I see realize and understand that a pattern can only be corrected for real within the physical and not in my mind alone

When and as I see myself desiring to have a pointless discussion just as a way to discharge the energy that I have myself created by participating in memories, thoughts, emotions and feelings, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I should step into the desired discussion pattern I will walk into blame and then into spite and I stop at the first step because prevention is the best cure

When and as I see myself wanting to throw everything away because I struggle with facing my own reactions that reveal to me my own hidden and some not so hidden patterns of behavior, I remind myself that I am walking a process of change for myself and all of existence as one, so that what I have become accustomed to do, accepted and allowed and ended up defining as justifiable abnormality, will no longer exist in myself or in me as the world as one

I commit myself to stop being afraid that my relationship will end and to live in anticipation of the moment when it will and instead to move moment by moment in awareness within it seizing the opportunity to correct myself

I commit myself to stop fearing criticism and seeing the gift of someone who is more able than me in a moment of reaction to assess what is going on with me so that I can stop a pattern I was not clear about or clearly aware of

I commit myself to my new definition of criticism that I can live as an eye opening moment that helps me to transcend a point I would have been unable to transcend as quickly by myself and to embrace my relationship as a point of support

I commit myself to stop the self hatred around this point for all the mistakes I made in my previous relationships and to accept that the past is past and that letting go of my self judgement and self hate will end the hatred in my world within and in existence without, One and Equal

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